Old Lady Stuff

I can remember sitting in Mrs. Allen’s eighth grade class discussing the merits of Prince’s latest hit, 1999. My classmates (accurately) predicted that in 1999, this song would be played at New Year’s party across the land.   I vividly recall, saying in earnest, “Oh no.... on New Year’s Eve 1999 I will be thirty!!!!  I will be too old to even go out for  New Year’s Eve!!!” 

Well, 1999 was thirteen years ago – needless to say that not only did I turn thirty, but forty has also come and gone.  My fourteen year old self would be very proud of the fact that I go out every year for New Year's Eve.  I think she would also be proud to know that I still spend a big part of my life discussing music. 

However, she would be utterly disgusted at the fact that I am starting to take an interest in (and actually buy) what I like to call,  Old Lady Stuff.  

Here is my top five list:

1.     Plastic Rain Hat – Wait, don’t judge me yet – hear me out. Whenever it rains, I end up looking like Rosanna-Rosannadanna.  No umbrella(ella ella eh eh eh) can protect me from this fate.  A plastic rain hat would actually help prevent this from happening, but they are so gawd awful looking I actually prefer showing up for work with my head looking like a toilet brush than to be seen in public wearing one of these hats.  However, I like the concept and I think that with a little modernization and rebranding, it could be genius.  Maybe a design tweak so they don’t look so frumpy?  Maybe a hounds-tooth trim?  Maybe a Coach insignia?  Are you with me now?  Look for me on Dragon’s Den.  I bet Arlene Dickenson would be all over it.

2.     Bundle Buggy – Yes, I own one of these.  In my defence, the purchase was made out of sheer necessity.  My underground parking is being renovated and my car has been relocated to another building a block away.  The bundle buggy helps me lug all of my groceries (yes, and shoe purchases) back to my building.  Here’s the thing – I actually love it.  In the summer I am totally going to channel my inner granny and pull it behind me when I walk downtown to the Farmer’s Market.  You will find me smack dab in the middle of all the old-lady-bundle-buggy gridlock, shoving all the youngin’s out of the way.  I can’t wait.

3.      Bunion Orthotic – Unfortunately, if I do not invest in one of these within the next year, I can kiss my days of wearing high-heels good -bye forever.  The irony is not lost on me that the reason I need one of these bad boys in the first place is from wearing towering high-heels for the past two decades.  I would only have to wear it at night – but this doesn’t help me get my head around it.  Let’s face it, even if you’ve got your ladies hoisted up in a Victoria’s Secret Angel Bra and you are wearing your sexiest undies, your partner’s eye will immediately be drawn to the bunion orthotic.

4.      Gin – If it was good enough for the Queen Mum it is good enough for me.  Gin seems to be the de rigueur Spiritz for the elderly lady.  Of course I will mix it with tonic water – and modernize it with a few cucumber slices (try it – it’s a nice twist).  I will walk around with the classic, stylish old lady scent of Chanel No. 5 and juniper berries.

5.      Botox – When the time is right I am seriously considering it.  I don’t want to look ridiculous like an episode of Ex-Wives of Rock, but maybe just a little preventative maintenance.   I figure that on the day that I am cremated, I will be so full of Botox & Gin that my funeral pyre will burn for three weeks ...minimum.